Official

I'm officially dead. not like physically dead but not spiritually dead but its just a little mental dead. u c, i'm kinda LOSS right now at this moment of my life. actually, im not lost at all!! but why am i saying such ridiculous stuff anyway? what the heck is WRONG with me? i am so content with my life right now that i have no idea what to worry about.. actually, my studies really suck right now. ive not been studying since... jan... and practically, MY WHOLE 18 YEARS OF MY LIFE. i have this perception, some of u might think its stupid but this is what i think. i havent been giving my best. i havent studied really hard and all coz im afraid of the end result. i might be able to do really well if i study but, lets say i already know how smart and how well i can do and in the end, i find out that im not really smart at all. and i know my limits. i have to know the truth about myself. i know, i haven't fully explored myself, mentally i mean. hmm, and i'll think to myself, is this all i can do? is this how far i can go? but really, sometimes, i m stupid, bcoz i have the brains but im not just using them. im just so lazy. so incredibly lazy. really lazy. this is bad.. really bad... i can't seem not to get lazy... its like a very bad habit. although i have like time to study, i don't. i prefer like rotting here in my room.. or trying to find excuses to phone someone, and they might find me annoying... or they'll think "Nur'i has seriously NO LIFE at all" ok.. maybe, i could paint my nails.. that would pass time.. but i'll just waste the nail polish bcoz when im in a bad mood, i just ruin my nails and i'd do them over and over again until i get really pissed and give up. or, i could just watch a movie, which is BRILLIANT bcoz i love movies but the problem here is that i don't have a movie to watch. I RAN OUT OF MOVIES to watch. oh yeah, i just finished watching HITCH. It was ok. Thought me a little thing or two about love.. speaking of love, when u watch those romantic, lovey dovey movies, u feel like u're in a dream.. and u just feel so happy for them... its like it'll never happen to u coz the possibility is so unreal.. but then, hey, this does happen in real life.. i don't know abt u guys but sometimes it does happen to me.. i think?? ok, ive got no clue whatsoever about what im writing about.. ergh.. i got back from class, and thought to myself, should i or should i not go to the library? at least, if i go there, i'll just go look for a couple of books and copy down facts of the cases which my lecturers tell me too.. but that little ego inside of me tells me something.. that little voice in my head... it tells me..."Nur'i, go home, u're tired, u deserve a break" and when i start to wonder it says, "Nur'i its a Friday, u have plenty of time, don't worry" and right at this second, i just listen this voice of mine and go right ahead home. and this is the result of where i m now.. at home, on the bed, just watched HITCH just to waste my time. and NO, i didn't even touch any of my books and im feeling guilty about this RIGHT NOW but i still don't wanna get my lazy ass to get up and study. actually, im planning to go to sleep. bcoz right now, all i can think about is having a sip of fresh juice.. waiting for the sun to set.. sad to say... not being very spiritual eh, since i'm fasting and all.. but the weather is terribly hot! oh oh, a representative from the University of Reading came from UK and gave a talk. She's really pretty and I feel kinda nice.. and again, i was wondering what its really like to be in the UK, actually experiencing life there with different cultures. but then, thats not to worry about right now bcoz i have to get thru my first year of Law before i can even proceed to the second year and 3rd year. i have so much work to do! and many of them tell me that university life is so fun. i guess not for me. i have to end up cracking my head!! ergh.. well, guess i'll stop babbling right now. peace out friends. and stay nice.